Everybody Loves Fire Emblem Heroes
by NinaIsObsessedWithYaoi
Summary: Oneshots poking fun at Heroes. Rated T for Language from Heroes and our summoner
1. Everybody Loves Summoning

**This story actually combines both of my versions of Heroes, with this story using my phone's team and my Ipad's summoner.**

"Finally... After so many trials... We finally have more orbs to summon..." Shade sighed with relief.

"Who knew Ike could do so much damage..." Sheena sighed.

"Haha... F**k mages." Lukas said as Lucius was healing him.

"So many fliers..." Seliph said as he flopped on the ground of the barracks.

"I'm gonna go see if I can get you know who." Shade said as she walked off to the summoning grounds.

* * *

 _ONE UNSUCCESSFUL SUMMONING LATER_

* * *

"Shade...?" Sharena asked.

"Yeah?" Shade replied.

"Why are there so many Donnels and Ests and a few Sullys and Jagens running around?"

"I'm still looking for Reinhardt..." The summoner sighed.

"Aren't there like summoning circles to increase your chances?"

"Yes. But I don't know what I need for that..."

"To the internet!"

* * *

 _ONE UNFUNNY TRANSITION LATER_

* * *

"How are we supposed to set this up?" Alfonse asked.

"According to the internet we have to set the items in a star pattern and then connect them with string." Shade said, looking up from her tablet.

"Do we even have string?"

"Yep!" Sharena said as she held up a ball of string.

"Do we have anymore orbs?"

"Only enough for one more summon." Shade sighed. "Hopefully this works."

Then, the summoning circle was finished and then, in the summoning pillar, a blue orb appeared.

"Good luck Shade!" The two said and ran off.

* * *

 _2 HOURS LATER_

* * *

"Shade, we're back!" Alfonse said as he walked back into the castle, only to find Shade sobbing on the floor. "I'm guessing the circle didn't work."

"I GOT ANOTHER EST AND IT'S NOT EVEN A FOUR STAR!"


	2. Everybody loves 3 Stars

"So it's another three star huh..." Alfonse sighed

"I ALWAYS GET THREE STARS AND ITS ALWAYS THE SAME ONES SO I HAVE TO GIVE THEIR SKILLS TO OTHERS OR SEND THEM HOME AND I DONT GET A REFUND ON ORBS AND I AM NOT PAYING FOR MORE ORBS!" Shade shouted as she cried and flailed, acting like a toddler having a meltdown in a store.

"Sharena..." Alfonse called out

"Already on it. It looks like people getting all 3 stars is common on the Internet."

"Wait who do you keep getting?" Anna asked as she walked in

"Usual blue units I keep getting, Cherche, I can't remember the green unit and Wrys... So many goddamn Wrys..." Shade sniffled

"I remember that day... But at least we got Jaffar, Lucius and Raquesis out of it."

"That is true!" Lucius called from a separate room.

"So think about all the good allied we have." Anna reassured the summoner

"And appearantly sacrificing Lon'qu for Vantage is popular on the internet..." Sharena sighed

"WHO THE FUCK IS SACRIFICING ME FOR VANTAGE NOW!?" Lon'qu raged from the same room as Lucius, not to the surprise of them as he had been doing a lot of that recently, unlike him due to the fact he's common.

"WHY NOT GORDON OR REINHARDT!"

"DONT REMIND ME THAT I DONT HAVE HIM!" Shade shouted back. Perhaps something could be done about that...


	3. Shade Loves RNG

**This literally just happened to me a couple hours ago, so I'm like, why not make it into a chapter? Soren is officially Level 20! I'll make a special Shade loves level 40's chapter when he reaches that level so hopefully it'll be soon**

* * *

"So, I found some extra orbs lying around... I think you'd might like to use them." Tiki said half awake, handing orbs to Shade.

"Wow! Thanks Tiki!" Shade said. "Now with the orbs from the gauntlet, we can summon a lot more units!" The two girls headed to the summoning area where 4 green orbs and a blue orb stood.

"Let's do this." Shade said as she started to summon. It seemed like it was going to be like normal, but with 2 Ninos until she used the last green orb. Then, a dark green haired tactician came out of the smoke, being a 5 star unit.

"SOREN!" The summoner screeched and hugged him.

"For Ashera's sake..." Soren grumbled. "Ike better be here..."


	4. Reinhardt Wants to be Summoned So-

**Full title is Reinhardt Wants to Be Summoned So Shade Will Shut Her Mouth About Not Having Him**

* * *

"Dear god... trying to keep up with her is fucking insane... She has so many different accounts... One for Wattpad, one for Fanfiction... One for Google+... Who even uses Google+?" He sighed. "I'd just want to be summoned so that she'd shut up finally and not have to sell her soul to that RNG Goddess. That girl is wierd. At least Shade got Soren to keep her occupied." He sighed not noticing a small boy sit next to him. Then, he saw the boy from the corner of his eye.

"Aren't you supposed to be dead?" He asked.

"I'd ask you the same thing but I'm not gonna." The boy replied. Wait, this kid isn't even in the game, nor was he in the Choose Your Hero event, so why was he here?

"So um... How did you get here?" He asked, trying not to seem to obvious.

"Anyone can be a hero even if they're deplorable scum. Look at some of the people here, then look at my motive for doing the things I did. I did it to survive, these other people just did it for their own gain.

At that moment, Reinhardt had to reevaluate everything he knew about this goddamn crossover.


	5. Lon'qu Hates Being Sacrificed for Skills

Lon'qu was muttering incomprehensible words as he stormed off into another room, with the thief Matthew and healer Lucius close on his trail.

"Why's he so angry?" The thief asked, obviously confused

"Well, long story short, Lon'qu keeps getting summoned and sacrificed for the Vantage skill line." Lucius explained, calmly but in a hurry. The two followed the swordsman until he stopped, ans saw him furiously typing at a computer. The typing sounded like rain due to how fast he was typing.

"What do you think he's typing about?" Lucius asked quietly, hoping not to anger the swordsman any further. Matthew replied with a shrug. The two waited outside the room what it seemed like hours until the typing stopped, Lon'qu got up from his chair and presumably left to go to the restroom. That was the duo's chance to see what he was typing. They looked on the computer to see two tabs. One was a site to get more hero feathers, which would make sense as Lon'qu was the only one out of the main 8 units to still be a 4 star. Even Matthew who was originally a 2 star was a 5 star at the moment. The other tab was a petition website, with the headline in bold letters **STOP SACRIFICING LON'QU FOR VANTAGE.** As the two read it, it turned into an animal shelter commercial really fast.

"Good god..." Matthew said as he finished reading the petition. "We need to show this to the others..."

"Agreed. We can use Sharena's tablet." Lucius replied. Then, footsteps could be heard from the hallway. Lon'qu was coming back from his bathroom break.

"Now we get out of here!" The thief said as he started to run. The blonde healer was fast behind him and Lon'qu didn't even notice that the two were in the room.

"That was close..." Lucius said as he started panting.

"Yeah, now let's tell Shade about this." Matthew said as he wiped the sweat off of his face.

* * *

"MATTHEW! LUCIUS!" Lon'qu's angry yell called out from across the barracks. Turned out Matthew did some edits without anyone knowing... Let's hope the theif can get out of this one.


	6. Lon'qu Hates Bruno's Guts

**I wanted to write something more serious and add in the new chapter that came out so spoilers for 11-5 and part of Awakening's Supports (Lon'qu's with Cherche and Tharja**

* * *

He couldn't believe it. What had happened to him had happened to them. Their friend ripped from existence like her... and he wanted to kill the man who had murdered him. He had destroyed this man in combat several times, though the most humorous time was when he was the only one left, backed the magic man in the corner and beat him with his Killing Edge until he retreated.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Lon'qu shouted as he charged at Bruno, Killing Edge raised and unsheathed.

"Lon'qu wait! He has a weapon triangle advantage over you!" Soren shouted, almost going after the swordsman.

"This isn't your business!" Alfonse shouted, barely being held back by Anna and Sharena.

"You killed him, so now I'll do the same to you!" The swordsman shouted and clashed with the tome wielder, who promptly sent him back a few feet, dealing massive damage.

"Raquesis, heal me." He said bluntly.

"If you say so..." The blonde replied and healed most of his damage.

"Thanks..." But before he could throw himself back into battle, Shade stood in between the two.

"Lon'qu! You need to stop! I know he's our enemy, and that he killed someone dear to us, but the past is the past!" She shouted, her voice almost cutting through the rain.

"Shade! I'm finishing it here and now so that no one else will die, whether you stand in my way or not!" The swordsman replied back.

"I know it happened to you in the past, but what would Ke'ri think!?"

* * *

 _TO BE CONTINUED_


	7. Soren Hates The Mage Gauntlet

**THIS IS NOT TO HATE ON ANY LUCINA, CAMILLA AND THARJA FANS WHO ARE NORMAL! THIS IS FOR THOSE EXTREMIES THAT MAKE US LOOK BAD! Enjoy!**

* * *

"Hey Soren." Lukas said as he sat next to the Branded tactician. "Why weren't you in the gauntlet that's going on right now?" The tactician sighed before putting down his book and replying "Well, my world unlocked around the same time so I didn't have time to sign up, there were other mages that wanted to be in it, and I hate that dark mage bitch with a burning passion."

"Why are you calling Tharja a bitch?" The redhead asked, somewhat shocked.

"She abused her own child and all she does is stalk Robin."

"Good point."

"Also, I've been looking at the past results and the winners are always females with stupid male fanbases that will go do the nasty on a pillow."

"OH GROSS TMI SOREN!" The redhead got up and ran out of the room from disgust.

"Serves him right for asking me." Soren said as he smirked and went back to his book.


	8. Lon'qu is finally 5 stars

"Looks like the arena's haul was a big one." Boey, the newest member of the team sighed. They had summoned him and were having him help around since Sheena was off somewhere. Some had hinted that it was to be with her husband, others say it was political, whatever the case, it was nice to have the mage around.

"Wait, how many feathers do we have?" Lon'qu asked.

"At least 21,000." The white haired mage replied.

"Do we have at least 20 Great Badges?"

"We have over 40. Red?"

"Yep. I'm guessing you want to be a five star?"

"Obviously. I'm the only four star out of us."

"Do it."

Lon'qu grabbed the feathers from the arena haul, and a lot from the inventory and ran for the summoning circle area.

"Whoever is out there, I have brought the sacrifices! Make me stronger!" He called out to the sky. Then, a golden light surrounded the area, magic surged through his veins. He felt stronger, better, like he could take on anything. Laughter started to come out of him in a maniacal way. From another room, Shade could hear him.

"Looks like someone's getting a power high..." She sighed. "Now only if he knew how to summon a certain blue horse mage."


	9. Reinhardt is Finally Summoned

**Well, this was long over due but actually came quicker than I expected. I do have Reinhardt now so expect him to become a more major character. Don't worry, the sequel to the Lon'qu hates Bruno's Guts chapter is coming, I wanted to push this out first. Also, take this as more emotional and serious than most chapters.**

* * *

After weeks of attempts, he finally did it. With a bit of help from Lon'qu and Gordin, they had convinced them to release a Vantage banner. It was his chance to get summoned, so Shade could stop her whining. Or was it complaining? He didn't know. The first attempt ended with Gwendolyn pushing him out of the way which made Shade scream a disappointed sigh, but here he was. Waiting in front of the portal. Abel, Sheena and Hinata had already be summoned and Shade was going for that last blue orb. He was about to jump out, but he felt something tug at his pant leg. He looked down to see the kid that had been keeping him company looking straight at him.

"So... I guess this means goodbye then..." He said, his eyes nearly filling up with tears. "Your gonna go and get summoned and I'm gonna be here alone again."

"Well it's not going to be goodbye, just see ya later alligator." The mage replied, taking another step before realizing that this kid was still holding the fabric of his pant leg. "Kid, I seriously need to go or Shade's gonna worry if the summoning gun is broken."

"At least take me with you... Since I'm not playable, I'll be able to come with you." The boy's eyes were filled with tears, some even sliding down. The mage crouched down to be at eye level and wiped the tears off with his gloved hand.

"Don't you have anyone else here?" He asked with the boy shaking his head no before wrapping himself around the mage in a tight hug.

"You guys need to get going!" A male's voice shouted. "The portal's going to close!" The mage nodded before running for it, still holding the boy close. He didn't care if this was against the rules, this kid needed someone in his life, and he was going to be that person. Everything went from blue to white to black, but the mage could still hear. Mainly Shade's high pitched screams of joy and a male asking if this was a two for one event going on. Wait, he knew that voice, it was Lon'qu. If it wasn't for his help, the two wouldn't be here right now. Then everything felt silent.

* * *

When the mage opened his eyes, everything felt soft, and there was someone with long blond hair and wearing blue robe near the edge of where he was laying.

"What happened?" The mage asked. "All I remember is blue, and black."

"When Shade summoned you, you were passed out and holding a kid in your arms." The person replied. So that's why they never wanted a two for one event. It would knock you out hard core.

"Is the kid ok!?" He never got the kid's name, so this was incredibly hard for him.

"He had only a few minor injuries, but nothing too major." Then, a girl with dark brown hair with a light blue streak in it entered the room.

"I assume he just woke up Lucius?" She asked, with the blond nodding.

"I'm guessing your Shade." The mage said, trying to sit up properly.

"In the flesh. Now I only have one question for you. Why did you take this kid with you?" Shade asked as she walked over and sat on the edge of the bed.

"He had no one else from what he told me, and I couldn't just leave a kid alone like that." The mage replied.

"And you know he's not playable?"

"Yeah. He might not be able to fight but he can at least help with the chores around. Just trust me." Shade just stared for a while, as if she was trying to comprehend what he was saying. It was awkward silence until Shade sighed.

"Your right. I shouldn't just judge based on first appearances." She stood up and started to leave before saying "This is why I like doing this. So I can meet people like you." As she left, the kid entered, the band aids obviously being where the bruises were from the fall.

"Rein!" He shouted as he ran in and sat at the edge of the bed.

"How do you even know my name? I never told you that." The mage asked, obviously confused.

"This nice girl that can turn into a dragon told me." The kid then beamed a huge smile, unlike a couple hours before where he was nearly in tears.

"Huh. You never told me your name though."

"Anthony." The boy replied as the mage tucked some of the boy's hair out of face and behind his ear.

"Well Anthony, it looks like we've both got one huge family now..."


	10. Something About Reinhardt Having Baby Ha

**Something really small. Also, this delves into Headcanon territory because I don't think there's a reason why Reinhardt has his rival so... and I promise to get that part two out soon. Full title is _Something About Reinhardt Having Baby Hands_ because I can't fit the whole title in.**

* * *

"Hey, Reinhardt could I ask you something?" Shade asked.

"What is it?" The mage replied as he removed the hood off of Shade's hair, messing it up even further than what she had expected.

"Could you take off your gloves?"

"That's a really odd request. Why is that?"

"The internet thinks you have baby hands."

"Like soft or..."

"Very tiny hands."

"What!? That's insane! I have perfectly normal sized hands!" Then, the mage took off his gloves, revealing normal sized hands that has some odd marks on the fingertips.

"Should I even question the marks?" Shade asked.

"Well, since you are here... I used Dire Thunder the wrong way when I was a kid, and without gloves. I wasn't thinking clearly and well, I ended up making a self proclaimed rival out of a bully, taught my sister to always wear gloves when using this magical tome and taught myself that young me was really dumb."

"Ah. So are those gloves magic proof then?"

"Exactly little tactician." All Shade could feel was her face getting red at that.


	11. Shade has a Kismeiss with the Banners

"So if Alm, Faye and Mae are in this banner... Then I'd need to save up a lot of orbs, but I want the other Summer units..." Shade grumbled to herself.

"Are you ok Shade?" Boey asked as he walked in.

"No... Trying to figure out what do do with the 20 orbs we get from the gauntlet." She replied.

"Hate to break it to you, but they cut it back to 10."

"WHAT!?" Shade's What was so loud it could be heard through out the entire castle. "They seriously want me to throw money into this shit! This is blind robbery!"

"No Shade, it's called making a profit." Anna said from the doorway.

"Shut up Tobin." Shade grumbled.

"My name isn't Tobin..."

* * *

 **Something small. I did actually get a Summer Unit though! Also expect something with Lucius and the Gauntlet, and Tobin's reveal soon**


	12. Tobin wonders how he got into this mess

"Tempest Trials huh? Sounds interesting..." Tobin said as he pushed on the door to enter, only to find mad chaos.

"Hi Tobin!" Anthony said as he tried to notify the others to quit it.

"Do I even know you?"

"No but someone here knows you."

"Is he as crazy as the stuff I just saw?"

"No but he keeps getting destroyed by mages." Tobin obviously knew that it was Lukas, and at least he knew one sane person here. Boy, it was going to be a long stay here. Though this smaller boy did remind him of his siblings, so he did have some part of home.


	13. Shade Loves getting 3 5 in a row

"We finally did it..." Lon'qu said, breathing heavily and handing Shade the last orb.

"Thanks guys. Go to the med bay to get your wounds treated." She replied.

"Could I stay with you?" Tiki asked.

"Sure." The two walked over to the summoning area and 5 orbs appeared. 2 green, one colorless, one blue and one red.

"Shoot the bottom right green one first!" Tiki said.

"Ok." Shade said and aimed her summoning gun, and there was a flash of green light, revealing an older Tiki in a bikini.

"Shade, who's that?" The younger Tiki asked.

"I'm you from 2000 years into the future and a lot more sexualized." The older Tiki explained.

"Moving on..." Shade said as she aimed at the blue orb, before a flash of blue light came out, revealing a girl with blond hair.

"Oh my god... A five star Clair..." Shade said to herself.

"It's a pleasure to meet you dear summoner." Clair said.

"It's nice to meet you too." Shade said before aiming the summoning gun at the other green orb. A flash of green light shined before revealing a girl with white hair

"Gah! Scary dragon killing lady!" The younger Tiki said as she hid behind Shade

"Don't worry, I won't hurt you..." The white haired girl said as she approached the two of them.

"Julia... Is that you..." Seliph said in awe as he walked into the summoning area.

"Seliph!" Julia replied as she ran into her half brother's arms.

"It's so good to see you again.." Seliph said as he hugged her.

"Not to break up the heartwarming reunion, but I still need to finish summoning and I don't want anyone hurt if I summon Ike or Eldigan. You know how Soren or Lachesis would respond..." Shade said.

"Didn't she say that she wanted to go by Raquesis?" Seliph asked.

"I don't know."

 _Later_

"Any more 5 Stars Shade?" Sharena asked.

"Nope another Wrys and a Lon'qu that has been merged into the one we know."


	14. Shade Loves Being Shulk

"YAS!" Shade shouted, which could be heard across the whole castle, to which both of her teams, plus Anthony came running.

"What happened Shade?" Seliph asked, hand on his sword handle.

"So I make mock up versions of how you guys would battle, the main one I can think of is Anthony's, which he's seen, and it turns out one character I made is becoming a grand hero battle!" The summoner replied.

"Who?" All of them asked.

"Berkut."

"Like Prince Berkut of Rigel?" Boey asked, to which she nodded.

"Nope." Lukas said and placed his hands in the air. "Nope. Nope. Nope." Then, he left the room, hands still in the air.

"I'm guessing something bad happened." Reinhardt said.

"Most likely..." Shade replied. "Someone go make sure he's ok."


	15. Shade's Ready to Roll!

"Alright. There we're no red orbs. Let's try this again." Shade sighed as she aimed at one of four red orbs. Once the smoke cleared, out popped a blue haired mercenary.

"IIIKE!" The tactician.

"HOLY FUCK!" Soren screamed and tackled the mercenary.

"Hey Soren. Now would you get off of me?" Ike asked.

"You know what, fuck it. I'm going after the colorless orb. Once the smoke cleared, out came a pink haired cleric.

"Where am I?" She asked.

"HOLY FUCK IT'S GENNY!" Shade screamed.

"Shade! Language!" Boey said as he walked into the summoning area. "If Sonya gets summoned and she hears that language from you, she'll rip you apart like she does to Reinhardt and Berkut!"

"IT'S BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING VANTAGE!" The two mentioned shouted from another room.

"Good god what am I in for?" Ike asked.


	16. Shade finally gets a break

"Fucking Camilla..." Shade sighed as she slammed her head on the summoning stone. "She ruined my chances to get Xander in a Swimsuit..."

"Shade! We're back!" Leon shouted as he walked in with two extra orbs.

"Thanks guys. I really appreciate it." Shade said as she took her head off of the summoning stone before taking the orbs from the lavender haired archer's hands. "Let's do this." She took a few steps back, loaded her summoning gun and did a flashy routine before shooting the only green orb in the circle. A puff of smoke appeared revealing a blond prince holding a familiar floatie.

"ABOUT DAMN TIME XANDER!" Shade shouted.

"Oh dear god..." Xander sighed as he put his head in his hand.


End file.
